It’s not that communication techniques are inherently bad. The better ones are like better diet tips (eat less, move more)
— Speak respectfully, listen attentively. But they’re unhelpful because people communicate primarily by emotional states, not words. Brain imaging shows that we make judgments about what a person is saying based on the emotional tone
— Body language
Facial expressions, eye contact, level of distractedness, tone of voice
— Before the part of the brain that interprets the meaning of words is active.
If you feel that something your communication partner does is “stupid,” describing the behavior in the kindest language will not hide your true feelings, although it may well make you seem disingenuous or manipulative. Think of your gut reaction when someone uses “communication techniques” on you. Do you feel respected and valued or manipulated and patronized?
If It’s Important, Know Your Goal
Be clear on your goal in speaking with your partner.
Do you want to:
Get your partner to do something or stop doing something?
Express yourself and be heard?
Justify your negative feelings?
In intimate relationships, most people identify number 4 as the ultimate goal of communication. Yet their body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and eye contact almost always indicate that their goals are numbers 1-3. What seems to them as failures to communicate are really failures to manipulate, broadcast, and justify.
The problem with goal number 1 is that it requires submission, and human beings hate to submit. People will almost invariably resist what seem like attempts to control them. When they do submit, they do it resentfully. Accumulative resentment destroys relationships.
You don’t want submission in a love relationship; you want cooperation which means you must show value. (It’s a simple formula: The valued self cooperates; the devalued self resists.) But you can’t just express value in words. Unless you feel it, the expression will be hollow and do more harm than good.
The trouble with goal number 2 is that strictly speaking, we can never express feelings without changing them. Mental focus amplifies and magnifies, creating a psychological equivalent to the observer effect in physics. Moreover, the brain loads into implicit memory other times you’ve experienced the feeling you’re trying to express. This gives historical meaning to your feelings that go beyond the current situation. Your communication partner will be focused on the situation (loaded with their own personal history) and will be unlikely to give the same meaning to the feelings you’re trying to express.
In intimate relationships, feeling heard is never enough. At those times when you felt heard in your relationship – when your communication skills worked – did you then feel closer, more connected, more valued? Did you feel more loving, caring, kind, and compassionate? If not, your partner probably felt on some level that your “communication” was part of an attempt to manipulate or control.
Goal number 3 falters because it’s difficult to justify negative feelings in a relationship without sounding accusatory, regardless of what communication techniques you employ. Justifying feelings is subject to confirmation bias
– you will only consider evidence that supports the emotional state while overlooking everything else. Your focus will amplify and magnify the negative, making everything and everyone else less important, which is why you almost always get reactive rather than validating the response.
A connection is basically the attunement of emotional states. Though it doesn’t have to be positive (you can be attuned to your spouse at the funeral of a loved one), attunement cannot exist in a state of emotional reactivity, when a negative feeling in one causes chaos or shut down in the other. It is extremely difficult to regulate emotional reactivity with words. Even when there is no hidden Motivation to convey how the other is failing or defective, merely attempting to translate the emotional experience into words runs a high risk of sounding artificial or, worse, manipulative or dishonest.
Positive attunement occurs through interest and caring, that is, one has to be interested in and show sympathy for the other. Interest and caring, like all emotional states, are conveyed primarily by facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, not by words or communication techniques.
Bottom line: Change your emotional state and the words will follow, but it won’t work the other way around.
How Communication Techniques Can Make Intimate Relationships Worse
When people are emotionally disconnected, the use of communication techniques makes them feel manipulated, and not just because the most popular ones are patently unnatural, more suited for a therapist’s office than a living room, kitchen, or bathroom. There is almost always a hidden agenda in the use of communication techniques – goals 1-3 above.
There no need for making the mathematic Equation . Communication between you and your partner must be clear and honest.
Dating and uncertainty go hand in hand. Inevitably you wonder if you will ever meet “the one” or whether someone will ever love you. There are some hard realities about dating that you can’t ignore. That’s the bad news. But people looking for love find love eventually. That’s not to suggest that the process of getting there is easy.
It is a reality that some people simply have a harder time than other meeting people and dating. There are many explanations but what is most important to understand is that having a hard time meeting someone does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Some people simply have a harder time meeting people period. We are all different and some people do better at social interactions and meeting potential people to date. Some just don’t meet people with the same ease. Is it a skill you can learn or is it that’s just the way it is? It’s both.. Working with a therapist to better understand who you are and what your project is certainly a positive in the dating process.
Dating requires stamina. You need to develop the stomach for failures and disappointments. Intrinsic to dating is most likely a series of failures before the success of meeting “the one.” It is counterintuitive insofar as many things in life require a series of successes whereas dating is inevitably a series of encounters and relationships that failed for one reason or another preceding success. You need to pass a series of courses in order to graduate but with dating, you fail over and over again before you “graduate” from dating to a successful relationship. That’s hard.
And people with high sensitivity have the worst time meeting people to date. They are the ones that others deem “fussy”, usually because they just know that they couldn’t be with that person—more than just an intuitive feeling. In the first few minutes of meeting someone, we all have an idea of whether there’s any attraction but some people really know. And they walk away quickly. They know what they know. Nevertheless, it’s not a bad idea to make sure that your reasons are sound. The fact that his/her earlobes are not symmetrical is probably not a good reason to turn down a second date.
Problematic to dating is having patience with what is out of your power to control. Particularly for smart successful people who can make things happen. Not so in dating. It’s not like you can walk into Bloomingdale’s and choose a boyfriend or girlfriend in the relationship department. Compatibility, chemistry, and timing are all variables out of your control. Dating requires that you understand and accept that.
It’s been evident that if a person is open to a relationship, they will eventually meet someone. The emphasis should be on meeting someone appropriate and not just “someone.”Some people meet their “someone” in a chance encounter and some have had to endure a constructed process of endless first dates and failed relationships The reality is that the world is populated with many people and in as much as you are looking for “someone,” “ someone” is looking for you too. The point is to not give up and remain focused on your goal. It helps to be open, patient and faithful. It also helps to have a trusted friend or therapist to remind you that someone at some point will love you. After all, relationships are a leap of faith.
A human being has the choice of many things, but since the world exists no one has won the biggest prize of all time CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY. You do not choose your family.
It’s not because you hate them that they’re not related to you. You will always share this strongest blood tie
It means that you are forever attached whether you like it or not.
To say that the family is sacred does not mean the absence of conflicts, the most important is to strive for a compromise and protect unbreakable blood tie, find a way so everybody will do his best and preserve this most precious gift.
In case of conflicts everyone gets the legal vote the blame is the other one, but one thing is even if it is the case the fault should not win over the reason for being who you are.
Here is the key to resolving family conflicts.
1. Schedule a time for positive communication
Avoid pointing to others or make accusations because no one is holy everyone has a black folder. It must communicate with respect and value others. This will help to start calm and soothe the spirits.
2. Make your goal of reconciling yourself
Avoid playing the judge, thinking that everything is fine on your side,
that other family members come to apologize to you. Because if everyone finds himself in the same positions it will be very difficult for everyone. Remember that the goal is to improve things, but not to win on others.
3. Know the origin of the problem
Determine the root of the problem from the beginning and clearly state how it bothers, listen to others, their opinions, fears, inquiries
Avoid feeling diminished or frustrated if your name is ever quoted in anything, after all, it is a page in the book of life, write it as it is.
4. Listen without interrupting.
Make an effort to listen even if it bothers you. Active listening is about identifying the other person’s tone and body language, allowing them to speak without interruption or remark, and make sure you understand.
Listening motivates others to want to listen to you, it also serves to relax the atmosphere, and rebuilds trust in the group.
5. Evaluate and value the point of view of each member.
The evaluation shows the other that you recognize it, since valorization means that you accept their thoughts, their opinions. Even though your own opinions may differ greatly, but validating demonstrates that you consider the other person as human, use the words of respects, emphasize the positive elements that you recognize from other family members.
6. Find a solution together.
Once everyone has expressed, his concerns, opinions, fears is a time to look for a compromise. Each person gives suggestions
All family members should feel good about the proposed solution. Write everything and make a commitment to respect it.
PS If you are unable to resolve your conflicts, ask for help from family members as uncles or friends or a specialist.